Things have been up and down for me lately. Gain and lose. I just can't win. I've come so far and now the results are just not happening like I'd like them to.
I started out last summer a lot heavier than I was now. I wasn't obese. I wasn't bulging everywhere and taking up large amounts of room. But I was definitely above average. Big chested, big belly (mostly from drinking), big everything. It was mostly from the friends I was surrounded with. They would drink almost every night at some party or get-together. I didn't think anything of it.
Then someone took pictures and posted some on Facebook. I avoided pictures because I hated seeing what I looked like. I still do to this day. No one ever told me how much weight I'd gained. I wasn't tiny in high school, just a bit more athletic because of sports and such. I definitely put on the freshman fifteen... maybe more.
No one ever said I was fat. No one told me I was getting huge. No one said anything ever about my size. I was rolling down a hill to fatness at the rate I was going. Applebee's wings late at night, beer at dinner, fast food all the time, buying frozen dinners and all sorts of pop, sugar, and candy. Whenever.
I started small. I started out giving up pop. I remember craving it for a while after, but now it never crosses my mind when I go out to eat. I almost always get water.
I worked on not drinking pop for a few months. That helped a little bit. Then I started looking for apps for my new ipod. I found a fitness one that kept track of all my calorie intake and exercise and everything. So I started entering my food and a fast realization hit me: I was eating way too much. So I started counting calories, that was it. That worked for a while. I restricted my intake and dropped about five pounds easy. I started sort of exercising. I would maybe go once a week. Whoop-dee-doo. That took another five off.
Then my obsessions took over. I began looking at fat, carbs, sugars, sodium... everything labels provided. If something didn't have some sort of nutritional comparison, I didn't eat it. So now, not only was I counting calories, but nearly everything on labels. Five more.
Then I started going to the gym and working out. Mostly walking, since I couldn't even run five minutes straight without dying. I started obsessing more over numbers, noticing my pants were extremely baggy. I had been a 7/8 in high school for a brief time, then in college expanded to probably a 9/10 and was probably even a 11/12 for some time. Not huge, but compared to today...
By this time, I have almost completely lost all the weight to my goal... I am almost FIVE pounds away. And I can't figure out what has happened. I still work out, I still obsess over numbers, I still restrict what I eat. I buy food that is soooo much healthier, but I still gain weight.
My friends, coworkers, family members all see this healthy side of me and commend me on a job well done. But inside I see myself as a failure because the pounds keep increasing, the waist growing slowly, and a pooch. I never fully got rid of it, but five pounds ago, it was flatter.
I haven't given up on the gym, but I can't make it as much as I want to.
What a lot of my friends don't know is that I struggle daily with my decreasing willpower. I am losing motivation because the pounds are coming back. One day I'll eat a lot, one day I'll eat very little. One day I'll work out like a mad-man, one day I'll be a lazy piece.
I just wish I could find strength somehow. Either through a partner or... just something.
My friends aren't aware at how disappointed and depressed I am with my self.
Sometimes I wish I didn't like more food. Sometimes I wish I could be anorexic, but I like food too much to not eat completely. It's a sad fascination. I shouldn't want to be like someone who says "no" to food. But I do.
Sometimes I wish I almost had a food allergy or avoidance.
Sometimes I think I have depression.
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