It's been a good day!

Today has been a pretty good day! Started out with a good breakfast, good workout. I have quite a bit planned for the day.

team bombshell!

I should probably add to my previous post why I've taken a small interest in possibly competing in the future...

Team Bombshell!

Love it!

just some thoughts

So since I started my body project a while back, I never really knew where I wanted to go with it. I never really knew that I'd come this far and get this invested. I've done more voluntary research for this than any of my previous school work (despite that being required!). I've looked into fitness modeling, bikini modeling, just maintaining my own body, and several other choices. None of which I'm still sure of.

I think being a model would be exciting! People all over would get to admire the work you've done for yourself. After all, the world as a whole is heading towards an obesity epidemic. Hell, here in the U.S., nearly 1/3 of the WHOLE population is obese... or worse... I can't even picture that mentally. That's like taking all of the obese people and packing them into the entire east coast of the mainland... not even including Alaska or Hawaii. It's ridiculous.

I just don't understand how someone can eat, eat, eat, and eat and continue to eat to the point where you can't move. I just can't imagine that! To not work, not interact socially, not live! I have a very hard time coming to grips with the fact that people can tell themselves: yes, you're overweight, but keep eating! That'll help your problem! Oh that band you had put in? Forget it, it's only there to help. Oh those pills? They're just going to help. Oh that therapy? Waste of time and money. Let's just sit around and take up space (literally). Sorry for being crass, I just don't get it!

For me, food is a necessity at one end, and a reward at the other. I eat to maintain. I take in my recommended daily intake, eating more on days that I work out. My previous posts about anorexia-related thoughts and depression stem from days where I feel that not eating (due to work and other reasons) almost showed more results than my workout efforts. Disappointing? Yes. Worth it in the long run? No. I refuse to let myself fall into that thought process again. That's not why I started and it's not how I'm going to live my life.

Food should be taken in as a necessity, as I mentioned. The right foods eaten at correct portions prove great results! Veggies, fruits, and essential grains (plus others, of course) are all that we need. Eating fats and oils here and there are all the body needs. That fast food junk? Awful. I cannot honestly remember the last time I had a cheeseburger. When they're homemade, I can control what is on/in them.

Food as a reward? Sure excess sugar can cause belly fat and love handles, but so can too much of food in general. One day of a splurge (birthday, celebration, etc...) will NOT undo all the hardwork put into your body. Just make sure these "splurges" are not frequent! It took longer than a day to lose a pound and it'll take longer than a day to gain it back! Just "reward" yourself with a few extra minutes at the next day's workout!

I wish I had more friends that appreciated their bodies like I do. Unfortunately, where I'm at isn't exactly the healthiest. I'm surrounded by sweets, fast food, and laziness. I have virtually no one to check in with (other than here) so I'm trying to keep myself in check!

Hopefully there are others who are same in thoughts to me. I can't be the only one that thinks fast food is unnecessary??

Small Contradiction

So I realized my latest posts are not the most "healthy" like I want to be. Thinking I have anorexia? Thinking I have depression? I apologize.

I've been dealing with a lot between work, working out, and life itself. I've had some extra commitments come up that I've had to deal with and it was just frustrating me. Definitely had one of those love-hate moments with my job for a while.

Things are better, much better, now! I'm back into a committed relationship... with my gym! Food is back where it needs to be: portioned and clean. I had some polluck, green beans and cottage cheese for lunch. Delicious if I do say so myself!

I hope to never have future contradictions to my blog ever again! I apologize for the momentary scare.

From here on out, it's nothing but challenges, goals, and progress!

can't tell

For a few days I've struggled to get to the gym regularly. So I've really watched what I ate, worked a little harder when I am at the gym, and tried to be religious to my habits.

I refuse to weigh myself or take measurements but once a week.

It's killing me to not know.

I started taking daily pictures to see if I can tell any differences after a while. So far, they all look the same.

I don't want to say I have anorexia, but I'm starting to think I'm developing certain tendencies, like avoiding food because I know there are too many calories/carbs/etc. in it. I won't allow myself to eat anything after a certain time at night and I've been almost perfectly dedicated to this. I have allowed few exceptions to this rule because of out of my control reasons.

I hate not knowing...

A little about me...

Things have been up and down for me lately. Gain and lose. I just can't win. I've come so far and now the results are just not happening like I'd like them to.

I started out last summer a lot heavier than I was now. I wasn't obese. I wasn't bulging everywhere and taking up large amounts of room. But I was definitely above average. Big chested, big belly (mostly from drinking), big everything. It was mostly from the friends I was surrounded with. They would drink almost every night at some party or get-together. I didn't think anything of it.

Then someone took pictures and posted some on Facebook. I avoided pictures because I hated seeing what I looked like. I still do to this day. No one ever told me how much weight I'd gained. I wasn't tiny in high school, just a bit more athletic because of sports and such. I definitely put on the freshman fifteen... maybe more.

No one ever said I was fat. No one told me I was getting huge. No one said anything ever about my size. I was rolling down a hill to fatness at the rate I was going. Applebee's wings late at night, beer at dinner, fast food all the time, buying frozen dinners and all sorts of pop, sugar, and candy. Whenever.

I started small. I started out giving up pop. I remember craving it for a while after, but now it never crosses my mind when I go out to eat. I almost always get water.

I worked on not drinking pop for a few months. That helped a little bit. Then I started looking for apps for my new ipod. I found a fitness one that kept track of all my calorie intake and exercise and everything. So I started entering my food and a fast realization hit me: I was eating way too much. So I started counting calories, that was it. That worked for a while. I restricted my intake and dropped about five pounds easy. I started sort of exercising. I would maybe go once a week. Whoop-dee-doo. That took another five off.

Then my obsessions took over. I began looking at fat, carbs, sugars, sodium... everything labels provided. If something didn't have some sort of nutritional comparison, I didn't eat it. So now, not only was I counting calories, but nearly everything on labels. Five more.

Then I started going to the gym and working out. Mostly walking, since I couldn't even run five minutes straight without dying. I started obsessing more over numbers, noticing my pants were extremely baggy. I had been a 7/8 in high school for a brief time, then in college expanded to probably a 9/10 and was probably even a 11/12 for some time. Not huge, but compared to today...

By this time, I have almost completely lost all the weight to my goal... I am almost FIVE pounds away. And I can't figure out what has happened. I still work out, I still obsess over numbers, I still restrict what I eat. I buy food that is soooo much healthier, but I still gain weight.

My friends, coworkers, family members all see this healthy side of me and commend me on a job well done. But inside I see myself as a failure because the pounds keep increasing, the waist growing slowly, and a pooch. I never fully got rid of it, but five pounds ago, it was flatter.

I haven't given up on the gym, but I can't make it as much as I want to.

What a lot of my friends don't know is that I struggle daily with my decreasing willpower. I am losing motivation because the pounds are coming back. One day I'll eat a lot, one day I'll eat very little. One day I'll work out like a mad-man, one day I'll be a lazy piece.

I just wish I could find strength somehow. Either through a partner or... just something.

My friends aren't aware at how disappointed and depressed I am with my self.

Sometimes I wish I didn't like more food. Sometimes I wish I could be anorexic, but I like food too much to not eat completely. It's a sad fascination. I shouldn't want to be like someone who says "no" to food. But I do.

Sometimes I wish I almost had a food allergy or avoidance.

Sometimes I think I have depression.

Fun and healthy!

Juliana Daniell. Look at her. Fit, smiling and loving life! There's no other way to embrace this lifestyle. Why would you want to live any other way? She looks sexy from any angle.

Testing the waters

I'm just testing the waters of the Blogger community. Notice it is Blogger with a "B," not "b." This isn't my first blog, nor will it be my last.

I want to focus on my health, fitness, and overall well-being. Comments, criticism, and suggestions are welcome to any post I make.

Since this is not my main blog, updates will be sporadic, maybe even far between posts.